{ I Love My Mom}

I'm having a rough day today processing difficult news from home. Life had been tough for our family the past couple of years. We've had more than our fair share of accidents, sickness, and death. I'm always impressed with how other members in my family seem to rise to each occasion and transform into something even more amazing, while I feel useless, cowardly, and diminished. My mother has been sick since November 2010. When she first got her diagnosis she was given 4 to 6 months life expectancy. We were devastated, but confident in the tenacity of my mother's will power and the care of doctors. Operations, Chemo, and Radiation have extended her time on this Earth and has given us all the opportunity to strengthen our relationships with her.

My brother, Tyler, left to go on his LDS mission in February of 2011, the same month I married Jeff. It was a tough decision for him to make, but was one he chose to follow and has been a blessing in his and all of our lives. It's been amazing to carry on a written communication with and witness the amazing personal growth and insight he has gained. My mother made the personal goal to stick around to see him return in February of 2013. So far, so good. She's a tough bird and fights for what she wants.

When Jeff and I made the decision to move to China in October it was met with dynamically mixed reviews. Jeff and I had to make some financial and work decisions that would have lasting impact, and knew that for us moving to China and my teaching here for a period of time would be a solution to some problems. However, it also meant leaving family behind, and being absent during a turbulent period in my mother's life, and the rest of my family in turn. I regret the way things were handled, and things that were said in the heat of emotion. I miss my mother and don't get to communicate with her as frequently as I would like. It's very hard and frustrating knowing the trials and pain my parents are going through and not being able to step in and do anything.

As my mother's health declines, and my family members take on more burden, I am ever grateful to those who keep persisting with desires of help, assistance, and comfort to them. I come from a proud and independent family. We have had many lessons in humility and service the past two years, with more to come, I'm sure. I'm grateful to those who have worked with my mother and have given her friendship and respect, and have allowed her to transition out of her job in a way that allowed her to keep her dignity.

While I don't know all the details, I was told that she has made the decision to end her chemo treatments.  I don't know how this is going to affect her progress, her goals, or the near future. I knew that this would eventually come, and I know how it progressed with my grandmother. It's still hard. I'm not sure exactly how to feel, or how to act. I'm notorious for mishandling feelings and interactions with others. I'm not very good at expressing to others how I feel.  I'm better at ignoring grief than confronting it. I'm extremely frustrated at the helplessness of my geographical location.

I love my mother so very much. She and I are two very dynamic and stubborn people. I have always been a headstrong daughter who has always been insistent on being independent in my decisions and thinking, and she has always been as patient and understanding with me as she was able. We've found ourselves in conflict with each other much of my life because of my stubbornness, and I really didn't start to develop a great friendship with her until I was in college with a little distance to gain perspective. While she and I haven't achieved the level of closeness she had with her mother, I have always maintained an amazing respect for my mother and the amount of tenacity and steadfastness she has in her nature. There was never a project she set her mind to that she did not complete to the level of perfection she set out to achieve.  She is a talented woman who has a knack for creating things although she never gave herself enough credit. Even though we have differing opinions on most things, it never stopped me from going to her to vent or get her perspective on things going on in my life.

The thought of not being there when/if something happens to my mother is a difficult one to handle, although I knew when I left that it was a likely reality. I've been pondering whether or not I would come to China again if I were given the chance to do things over. For now, I don't think I would have done anything differently. The experience has given Jeff and I a chance to grow in our independence, and share important experiences here. It's also given my mother and father the opportunity to have time together without interference from children for the first time in 25 years. Will I have regrets? Probably. Most likely. Absolutely. Thankfully, I have the comfort of my faith and religion and the knowledge that I have eternities to share with my mother and family after this life. 

If you know my mother or family, please keep them close in your prayers. They are soldiering on, and she is the bravest of us all, but could always use the extra support and positive energy.

I'm sorry if this is a little incoherent. Sometimes emotions do that.

Love and hugs [needed],
-Ashley

As Calmly as Possible

You know, I really like the act of blogging. It's cathartic, you get to report on the happenings of your life and thoughts in your head, and everyone wins at the end of the day. Lately though  I feel as though I've been stuck in a muddy pit with no motivation to climb the slippery walls towards freedom. Just as I feel as though I've gotten back onto the horse of life, I feel the wind knocked out of me with the news of some new terrible trial in my life.

And in that I feel terribly selfish, because really, it's not as though it's all happening to me. I'm quite a bystander. My grandmother is a tremendous woman. She has accomplished a great deal in her lifetime and is and should be revered by many. She is the most talented, compassionate, dedicated, and willful woman I know. To hear that she has this stage 4 pancreatic cancer seems completely out of sync with my entire perception of her. It's not fair that she should have to suffer through this, it's not fair that she's lived a healthy and well maintained life only to be knocked down with such a disease. In all of my not fairs, she is taking this is such stride, that she puts my pettiness to shame. This woman is the cornerstone of my family will be our strength to the bitter end, and beyond. I hope to be half the woman she is.

"I was already beginning to realize that the only way to conduct oneself in a situation where bombs rained down and bullets whizzed past, was to accept the dangers and all the consequences as calmly as possible. Fretting and sweating about it all was not going to help."
— Roald Dahl (Going Solo)

Some Trials Try You More Than Others

My life has been very full, and very busy as of late. I've been able to develop a wonderful and deep relationship with an amazing man who treats me like royalty, I have been blessed to find employment while I work on improving myself, I have a brother who is preparing to serve an honorable mission in Mesa, Arizona for the next two years. The Lord is blessing me in so many ways, it only stands to reason that he's going to present me, and the people in my life equal opportunity for trials and growth.

My mother was diagnosed in the past couple of weeks with a Glioblastoma, which is an extremely aggressive form of brain cancer. We caught it by accident, because we took her in thinking she was having stroke like symptoms. As she stands, her life expectancy is 2-4 months. Because we caught it, and she's a candidate, they are going to perform a craniotomy next Friday, which has the potential to extend her life up to a year.

A lot to digest? It certainly was for me. After a weekend of bliss with the man of my dreams, it certainly grounded me back to Earth without any padding. Jeff and I had originally planned on a May wedding, but with the information about my mother in hand, we made the ultimate decision to push the wedding forward to February so that she would be able to actively participate and enjoy her daughter getting married. The entire concept has been slightly overwhelming, but I have been amazed with all the people in our lives that have stepped up to make this happen, not just in a simple and sweet way, but in a big loud and amazing and lavish way.

Really, my family and I are so grateful to those who have been supportive and ever present through this ordeal up until this point. I am so touched to see the generosity and selflessness of others, and it is reassuring to know that there are people in each of our lives that will be there in such a dire situation when you need them the most.

Its going to be a tough time ahead, and I'm still processing everything, and trying to move forward. I just wanted to let everyone know the situation, and to thank those of you who have been so awesome to me and my family. We appreciate you more than words can express.

I also want to thank my dear, dear fiance, without whom I would not be so put together and functioning. He has been my rock, my comfort, and my voice of reason. I am eternally grateful to have such a solid companion and outstanding man as my future husband. Thank goodness I got to him before someone else figured out how amazing he is.