{Unexpected Goodbyes}

What's the quote? Best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray? It seems to be the theme this week.

The original plan was to stay an additional year and work at one of the international schools for a considerably larger amount of money. In September, days after we had made the decision to sign our lives to another year of China, we got the notification that my mother had decided to stop chemo. We knew that while coming to Suzhou was an inspired and growth experience for us as a new couple, we also realized that the time had come to return home and face the challenges waiting for us in the states. My contract originally was slated to end on December 22nd, we had arranged it so we could come home on the 3rd, instead. Everything fell into place and we knew we had made the correct decision. With that life continued onward.

On the 16th of October we met my dear friend, Ashley in Shanghai to bring her and her father home with us after their spending the last week touring northern China. Together we traveled to Hong Kong and enjoyed much needed time together catching up, enjoying the sights, and showing off my very meager amount of Chinese learned over the past year. It was an excellent trip, with blog posts carefully thought out waiting to be posted.

Jeff and I got back into Suzhou Sunday night after a long day of Chinese traveling, and spent the morning the Monday after casually unpacking and enjoying downtime. After editing pictures and gearing up to entertain you with posts of our most recent exploits, I received some poignant emails from my father letting us know that my mother's time was drawing to a close. Setting everything a side, having a frank discussion with Jeff, and some answered prayers, we began to set to task finding tickets home in the hope of getting home in time to ease last moments. In the midst of our hostage negotiations with the ticketing company over changing flight plans, we were told of her passing. The shock set in, and has yet to wear off. Setting emotion aside, we went into full drive of getting things aligned to come home. In under 12 hours we had tickets booked, bags packed, work notified, final paperwork taken care of, friends in and out of the apartment taking assorted things, keys passed off, and at the airport taking flight back home. It's truly amazing how people rise to help in times like this. I promise I will make individual thanks in full detail as time goes on, but for now, I want those of you who made this possible to know that we have been so blessed to have you in our lives and cannot begin to express the amount of respect and gratitude we have for you.

It hasn't quite set in, the weight of what we've done, and what has happened. I haven't given myself too much time to dwell on my mother being gone. It's still very surreal being back on Kentucky soil, breathing the fresh, clean air and watching the rolling green hills pass by the window instead of the sea of skyscrapers, apartment buildings and old canals that lined the streets of our newly abandoned home. It's a heavy set of mixed emotions I have to face, and don't know how to appropriately respond to the condolences on our loss, or the elation by many of our returning. I'm happy to be here, but I will sincerely miss the place we've left behind.

It's been deeply touching to receive such an outpouring of love and support from so many different people. I want to respond to each of you, but I haven't the words or heart for it yet. Please excuse my lack of etiquette. I do read each and everyone of your words and cherish them. I know that I am not the first person to lose a loved one, and it's heartening to hear from those of you kindred spirits that are so eager to comfort a hurting soul. I hope to be such a boon to others in the future.

My mother was such a phenomenal person who continues to amaze me beyond her passing. She gave me my strong sense of independence, an excellent sense of moral rightness and tolerance of others, and the freedom to make as many mistakes as I could so that I could grow to reach my potential, albeit through some very tough lessons. I'm grateful for the time we had, grateful for the forgiveness she showed me for my brash stubbornness, and for the continuing love I feel from her as I move forward from this point.

This next week is going to be filled with following job leads, finding living arrangements, being with family, and mapping out a very uprooted and unpredictable future. I hope those of you who are able will be able to join us this weekend in celebrating her life as we lay her to rest. You can find information on the services here.

Much love,
Ashley

{ I Love My Mom}

I'm having a rough day today processing difficult news from home. Life had been tough for our family the past couple of years. We've had more than our fair share of accidents, sickness, and death. I'm always impressed with how other members in my family seem to rise to each occasion and transform into something even more amazing, while I feel useless, cowardly, and diminished. My mother has been sick since November 2010. When she first got her diagnosis she was given 4 to 6 months life expectancy. We were devastated, but confident in the tenacity of my mother's will power and the care of doctors. Operations, Chemo, and Radiation have extended her time on this Earth and has given us all the opportunity to strengthen our relationships with her.

My brother, Tyler, left to go on his LDS mission in February of 2011, the same month I married Jeff. It was a tough decision for him to make, but was one he chose to follow and has been a blessing in his and all of our lives. It's been amazing to carry on a written communication with and witness the amazing personal growth and insight he has gained. My mother made the personal goal to stick around to see him return in February of 2013. So far, so good. She's a tough bird and fights for what she wants.

When Jeff and I made the decision to move to China in October it was met with dynamically mixed reviews. Jeff and I had to make some financial and work decisions that would have lasting impact, and knew that for us moving to China and my teaching here for a period of time would be a solution to some problems. However, it also meant leaving family behind, and being absent during a turbulent period in my mother's life, and the rest of my family in turn. I regret the way things were handled, and things that were said in the heat of emotion. I miss my mother and don't get to communicate with her as frequently as I would like. It's very hard and frustrating knowing the trials and pain my parents are going through and not being able to step in and do anything.

As my mother's health declines, and my family members take on more burden, I am ever grateful to those who keep persisting with desires of help, assistance, and comfort to them. I come from a proud and independent family. We have had many lessons in humility and service the past two years, with more to come, I'm sure. I'm grateful to those who have worked with my mother and have given her friendship and respect, and have allowed her to transition out of her job in a way that allowed her to keep her dignity.

While I don't know all the details, I was told that she has made the decision to end her chemo treatments.  I don't know how this is going to affect her progress, her goals, or the near future. I knew that this would eventually come, and I know how it progressed with my grandmother. It's still hard. I'm not sure exactly how to feel, or how to act. I'm notorious for mishandling feelings and interactions with others. I'm not very good at expressing to others how I feel.  I'm better at ignoring grief than confronting it. I'm extremely frustrated at the helplessness of my geographical location.

I love my mother so very much. She and I are two very dynamic and stubborn people. I have always been a headstrong daughter who has always been insistent on being independent in my decisions and thinking, and she has always been as patient and understanding with me as she was able. We've found ourselves in conflict with each other much of my life because of my stubbornness, and I really didn't start to develop a great friendship with her until I was in college with a little distance to gain perspective. While she and I haven't achieved the level of closeness she had with her mother, I have always maintained an amazing respect for my mother and the amount of tenacity and steadfastness she has in her nature. There was never a project she set her mind to that she did not complete to the level of perfection she set out to achieve.  She is a talented woman who has a knack for creating things although she never gave herself enough credit. Even though we have differing opinions on most things, it never stopped me from going to her to vent or get her perspective on things going on in my life.

The thought of not being there when/if something happens to my mother is a difficult one to handle, although I knew when I left that it was a likely reality. I've been pondering whether or not I would come to China again if I were given the chance to do things over. For now, I don't think I would have done anything differently. The experience has given Jeff and I a chance to grow in our independence, and share important experiences here. It's also given my mother and father the opportunity to have time together without interference from children for the first time in 25 years. Will I have regrets? Probably. Most likely. Absolutely. Thankfully, I have the comfort of my faith and religion and the knowledge that I have eternities to share with my mother and family after this life. 

If you know my mother or family, please keep them close in your prayers. They are soldiering on, and she is the bravest of us all, but could always use the extra support and positive energy.

I'm sorry if this is a little incoherent. Sometimes emotions do that.

Love and hugs [needed],
-Ashley

{A Pinch of Nostalgia}

 Sometimes it's just nice to have a good memory on standby on rainy days. This seems like a good one for today.

Graduation trip to Germany c. 2009

Love you, Mom.
-Ashley

Showers of Happiness

First of all, I want to say that I am unusually lucky in that I have some of the most amazing friends. I say this knowing full well that I am not the easiest person to get along with. When I asked Ashley Fister to be my maid of honor, I knew that I'd get a lot of help and advice, but she blew me away with her amazing skills, tireless work, and dedication to making this wedding memorable. One might wonder where one gets these fantastic traits. Well, in the case of Ashley, I think it's safe to say that her mother is a huge contributor. Ashley and her mother planned a fantastic wedding shower, went overboard with food, graciously hosted and entertained my friends and family in their home. It was a wonderful afternoon full of laughter, satisfied bellies, lovely gifts, and entertaining factoids about Jeff and I.

Lori( my aunt), Karen Parker( my grandmother), Libby ( my mother), and I. Three generations all on one couch!

Lovely friends! Ashley, Kendall, and Vanessa

The whole affair was so much fun that even Jeff couldn't stay away ( or I gave him the wrong time, either way, he was entertaining and helpful, and could not stop talking about days later)

SO much good food! The delicious cake was just a small portion of what Nancy and Ashley did!

Some Trials Try You More Than Others

My life has been very full, and very busy as of late. I've been able to develop a wonderful and deep relationship with an amazing man who treats me like royalty, I have been blessed to find employment while I work on improving myself, I have a brother who is preparing to serve an honorable mission in Mesa, Arizona for the next two years. The Lord is blessing me in so many ways, it only stands to reason that he's going to present me, and the people in my life equal opportunity for trials and growth.

My mother was diagnosed in the past couple of weeks with a Glioblastoma, which is an extremely aggressive form of brain cancer. We caught it by accident, because we took her in thinking she was having stroke like symptoms. As she stands, her life expectancy is 2-4 months. Because we caught it, and she's a candidate, they are going to perform a craniotomy next Friday, which has the potential to extend her life up to a year.

A lot to digest? It certainly was for me. After a weekend of bliss with the man of my dreams, it certainly grounded me back to Earth without any padding. Jeff and I had originally planned on a May wedding, but with the information about my mother in hand, we made the ultimate decision to push the wedding forward to February so that she would be able to actively participate and enjoy her daughter getting married. The entire concept has been slightly overwhelming, but I have been amazed with all the people in our lives that have stepped up to make this happen, not just in a simple and sweet way, but in a big loud and amazing and lavish way.

Really, my family and I are so grateful to those who have been supportive and ever present through this ordeal up until this point. I am so touched to see the generosity and selflessness of others, and it is reassuring to know that there are people in each of our lives that will be there in such a dire situation when you need them the most.

Its going to be a tough time ahead, and I'm still processing everything, and trying to move forward. I just wanted to let everyone know the situation, and to thank those of you who have been so awesome to me and my family. We appreciate you more than words can express.

I also want to thank my dear, dear fiance, without whom I would not be so put together and functioning. He has been my rock, my comfort, and my voice of reason. I am eternally grateful to have such a solid companion and outstanding man as my future husband. Thank goodness I got to him before someone else figured out how amazing he is.