Tuesday, July 9, 2013

{Thoughts on Progress}

I have been working on overcoming a weakness of mine, in comparing myself to others. Sometimes I look around and see the milestones, the happy pictures, and lives people lead and develop this envy of those who seem to have it together with life. I marginalize my own accomplishments, I downsize my daily triumphs, and I under-appreciate my personal blessings. I'm working on it.

The past couple of months have been tough, in this area. Since at -least- college ( at which time it became an acute problem) but certainly before, I've had anxiety. I worry about things that a rational person would normally worry about. I stress over hypothetical situations. I paralyze myself in accomplishing simple tasks over the fear of failure, ironically spiraling me into that direction anyway, and I overwhelm myself with tasks that seem daunting or challenging and run into wall after wall of frustration. This has done me in and caused great struggle in most of the things I've tried to accomplish in life. over the past couple of years, it's become progressively worse. I used to take medicine, but stopped when I thought I had it managed. I became ambitious at work, and bit off more than I could chew, and after months of crippling anxiety attacks, small failures stacking up on each other, and a couple of tough crisis moments, and I realized I couldn't continue the way that things were going, and started the transition out.

Immediately after making the decision and talking to my boss, it felt like an elephant had stepped off of my chest. I could breath, my heart rate settled, and I felt at ease. This frustrated me. I loved the job. I loved what I did, and I hated that I wasn't successful in this particular endeavor. I felt feel like a failure. If not this, than what? What am I supposed to do with my life? Am I ever going to be good at anything?

This is what started a still continuing contemplation about what I'm meant to do with my life, my past failures, my successes, and what I'm supposed to do with it all. What AM I supposed to do with it all? I know that while I loved teaching, I am not going to be a successful teacher in a traditional setting, but that I have the skill set to effectively teach people, children in particular new knowledge, and that I have an intrinsic need to do so. in the little jobs I've had here and there I've learned that I'm good with talking to people, customer service, putting people at ease while they take high stakes tests, relating to people across cultures, alphabetizing, and many other little tidbits that by themselves look unimportant. In case management, I learned that I have a love for all people, and an advocate's heart and a need to improve the lives of others in whatever work that I do. I'm never going to be the best at paperwork, or organization, or filing. I'm never going to be the best at lesson planning. I'm never going to be the best with politics.

Perhaps all this is going to lead to something better. Perhaps these experiences are just meant to teach me humility, and how to accept failure gracefully. I do know that I'm grateful for a husband and family that are supportive as I explore new options and interests for myself, and have helped me to grow through the struggles, the anxiety, and grief of evolving as a person.

I may not be where I pictured myself being at this moment in my life, but I look around and realize I'm surrounded by people that I love, who are genuine. I have my needs met, I have an enriching life, and I am progressing a little more each day. There always seems to be something on the horizon to look forward to, even now, and I'm excited for things yet to come. It's not easy to be optimistic all the time, but it is worth stepping back, examining life, and adjusting what needs to be adjusted and prioritizing the things that really matter.

No comments:

Post a Comment