Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Journal Jar

About a year ago I stole a jar from my mother that was laying around her room. It was cutely decorated and had brightly colored strips of paper stuffed into it. It came with the explanation that if one writes based on one prompt a week pulled from the jar, that in a year a detailed, personal and well rounded journal would unfold. As a teacher this was an old concept to me, but I was excited to have a new way of writing, and blogging based on prompts. I remember pulling out the first couple of strips and getting discouraged because they were based around family life, husbands and children. I abandoned the effort and went about my scatterbrained and inconsistent  blogging and personal journaling.
Today as I went in search of a copy of the book that we're reading for book club this month in my boxes, I found the jar again. I  had already been remarking to myself about the need to catch-up, or reinvigorate my efforts to add to my blog, as the past few months have been busy, disorganized, and distracting. I figured that I could write about the prompts on the strips the best I could, and perhaps even modify them as I go here, and now that I'm in a different stage of life than I was a year ago, they may even be more applicable to me. So, without further ado, my first prompt:

" Write about what you remember about your wedding day and your feelings."

Could I have gotten a more ironic strip?

My wedding day was one of mixed emotions. Not in a terrible way, mind you, but with the complexities of life there was much more than just the literal wedding that was going on. The wedding had been moved up so early in the first place because of my mother's brain cancer. As a result, SO many people stepped up and jumped in to make the wedding a reality, and an amazing event. I happily relinquished as much control as they let me, and allowed them to donate their expertise, knowledge, and crafts to the process. Because of this, when the day came and events unfolded, I felt a little disconnected from the whole thing in the sense that I didn't always feel like I knew what was going on. This isn't something I wholly regret, because I at the same time was very methodical about being laid back in my response to change, challenges, and the usual bumps in the road that happen during weddings.
I felt very whisked away with my fantastic prep team the whole morning. They kept me happy, calm, and I was very unaware of any major problems that may have happened. I would like to go on record for those who care to know that I am truly grateful for the people involved with the wedding. I worry that I came across as uncaring or cold, and if I did I truly apologize. That stoicism was much more in line with dazed and increasingly overstimulated as the day went on.
I remember that the feeling that dominated everything else was the surrealism of the whole affair. It didn't really hit that we were married until a couple weeks later... Still, I enjoyed myself immensely, I loved seeing people there to support us, and the receiving line wasn't as terrible as I was bracing myself for it to be. I thought I had the cutest darn flower girl in the world, and the most amazing maid of honor. Jeff looked darn handsome in his suit and other than the fact that I couldn't breathe, I loved my dress. I actually DID get to eat at my own wedding, which I was glad I did, because that food was amazing! I was a little sad that we didn't get to dance or throw bouquets, but at the same time I was happy for the early wrap up. I remember the feeling of getting to the hotel, and being so overwhelmed with appreciation for my maid of honor, who when I thought she couldn't do enough, she continued to be thoughtful long past the wedding.

That is one huge hodgepodge of random emotions and feelings there... but kind of explained my in a nutshell that day. I was never really nervous or hesitant about getting married. I always knew from the start that I was very sure about the man I was picking to spend the rest of my life with. I am so glad to have had the wedding experience I was given, and cannot say enough thank yous to make up for the many many things that people did along the way. It was a great start to an amazing marriage to the most perfect man for me.

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