{Life in Transition}

I keep trying to find words that fit together to share this new experience Jeff and I are going through this year. I keep trying to put together timelines, backstories, and explanations on why it's been such a huge deal to become pregnant. Nothing comes out coherent, and I keep starting and stopping with frustration because I simply can't convey my feelings. So, mishmash it is!

Jeff and I weren't supposed to have children. I've been told that I can't. I've been told that even if I could conceive, that it wouldn't go to term. Jeff has been told this since he met me, and married me anyway. Jeff, the man who I'm confident in saying was born to be a father. Seriously, they flock to him and his magnetic personality. He lights up and shines best around children, and it's been hard to watch his heart break a little bit each year as he's come to accept that those words of caution were taking root, and that we'd have to seek other avenues.

Finding out we were pregnant was such a shock because I had spent so much of my life trying to convince myself that I was OK with it never happening so that it wouldn't hurt as bad when it never happened. It has made it difficult to revel in other's joy, and has made me a lesser friend to those who have gone on to have children. It's become harder for me to be around both mom and baby, because although I had tried to squash it and put it in a box, there was always this terrible little green envy bug buzzing around me, upset that they had this thing that I'd never experience. I'd have vivid dreams of pregnancy, birth and children, and wake up in tears. I declined to go to showers of dear friends because I didn't want to rain on their parade. And while I wanted to adopt, I kept putting the breaks on the process when Jeff would bring it up because I felt somehow that I had failed, and wasn't ready to move on, and I couldn't articulate that with him. It put a strain on the subject, and I think by the end of last year, He gave up trying and moved on.

So you see, sincerely, NEITHER of us expected this. In fact, all the little symptoms that were there, were so easily explained away, because it was just easier to assume that it was something else. There was no hope, so there was no expectation or anticipation. And as a large girl, with plenty of insulation, I understand how there's an entire show on TV dedicated to women who never knew they were pregnant. Because when so much of your life has been irregular, and symptoms to present like they normally would with a thin woman, it's easy to dismiss.

Finding out at 19 weeks turned out to be a blessing. I simply think I would have been a nightmare of a person had I known anything was going on during the sensitive time of pregnancy. I've worried about every possible complication along the way, and aside from poor Jeff, who is just as blind-sided as I am about the entire process, who does a girl talk to about the ins and outs of daily pregnancy? Her mother! Her grandmother! So quickly the guilt set in. I had never taken this possibility seriously, that I would have children. I took both of these women and my time with them for granted. I never sat down with either of them and talked about their experiences, advice and what to expect. I never listened to the gruesome details of the stranger side of pregnancy. I've had to piece it together from the people that were around them, and thank GOD for them. I'm so blessed to have the family I do, to be able to ask them what they remember, and to fill in for the roles that were left behind. It would be so terribly lonely without them.

I'm bitterly sad that I don't have my mother and grandmother here to share in this, and that my child will not have the opportunity to know these women in his life past stories and pictures, and will not have the connection to his grandmother that I had to mine growing up. He won't get to have the memories of baking peanut butter cookies while sitting on the counter, rolling out dough for chicken noodles, or big exciting family Christmas days with cousins, aunts and uncles, Grandpa AND Grandma quite like I did. It's going to be different. It's going to be new, and there's a little bit of melancholy for him because all I have of them is the stories to tell.

For every worry I've had, for the fear that has been instilled about being overweight and the complications that are associated, I have been miraculously blessed with a smooth and uneventful pregnancy so far, one that has allowed me to enjoy just how special and unpredictable life is. I am healthy, the baby is healthy, and everything is going exactly like it's supposed to. I feel cliche in stating that I feel watched over by those women that have left me, but I do.

So, with our world turned upside down, finding out much later than everyone else usually does, and working through the myriad of emotions that have waved over us, we've begun to prepare in stages. Jeff is a masterful garage sale-er ( my mother would be proud!) and has found essential treasures in doing so, we've had supportive family and friends give us money and previously loved gifts that have made the long list of what seems necessary to stock a nursery for a child easy and painless. I've become more introverted as I've aged, and I don't seek out people as often as I should, but I've been truly grateful for the outreach from others that has made us feel loved and taken care of.

... and I guess that's all for now! Heaven help us, I have no idea what brand of child the Karma Jeff and I have accumulated through our years, cursed by the women in our family, will produce, but I'm certain life is about to get more interesting.

-Ashley

{Garden Update}

Things are coming up green! Granted, it's still early, and the usual amount of bugs haven't shown up yet, but the plants are loving life, and shaping up quite nicely! I certainly underestimated the pumpkins, which are taking over at alarming rates, and the leaves are bigger than my hands! The cucumbers are starting to grow,too, and are going to need a trellis soon. The peppers are starting to blossom, and the tomatoes are going crazy! I was looking up the varieties I had to get some information on them, and to research some kind of fungus or rot that set in on a few branches, and apparently they are supposed to get 6-10 feet tall depending on which one we're talking about, which makes me wonder how I'm going to reach something that high! We've already got 16-20 fruit set on the plants, and the smell of the tomato plants is overwhelmingly nostalgic. As if all these weren't enough, the sunflowers Jeff got me are flowering beautifully, and really are the happiest flowers in the world! I've been really enjoying the time outside this spring that I certainly did not spend last year, and am anxiously waiting for that first ripe tomato!

Garden today...

Garden 1 week ago

Where you goin', pumpkin?

{Mother's Day}

Every year gets a little more nostalgic for the women I would have celebrated today. Mountains among women, talented, strong, opinionated, passionate, endearing, and memorable.  I continue to find moments that radiate the impact they have had on my life in small and profound ways. As we have been working to establish the garden this summer, it has been astounding how much was absorbed in my childhood in the summers spent outside with her in the hearty vegetable gardens watching her, and carrying out tasks that at the time I resented her for. I remember her making me spend hours weeding or picking off caterpillars from the tomatoes. I remember learning about the impressive varieties of things she grew, which without a doubt lead to my easy love of fresh vegetables. I remember when we would tell her we were hungry, we were redirected to the garden, where we could pick a tomato, cucumber, green bean, or any number of other options, rinse them off, and eat them while swinging on the swing set. I remember the years of canning by my mother and my grandmothers side, learning the process and recipes for each thing we preserved. I remember being terrified of getting burned, and watching in amazement as they unflinchingly handled the hot jars and scalding water. 

And although they are no longer here to ask for help and suggestions, their lessons have been deeply imbedded, slipping out when I need them most, and in those moments I am deeply grateful to have had such tremendous women to remember on Mother's Day.

{Fresh Eggs}

So, perhaps this is a little bit of the cart before the horse, but I've been thinking about this since we started this thing. We're going to have a lot of eggs for two people. A LOT of eggs. like two dozen more than we need a week... at least. So, I thought I'd feel out if anyone would have any interest in getting TRUE cage free, free-range, grass fed, not just hormone free ( because, FDA wouldn't allow any poultry producer to sell something given "hormones", btw) but also anti-biotic ( which is what the industry is actually using to act like hormones)  free eggs, from happy, spoiled-rotten ( the chickens, not the eggs), very funny, and animated chickens.

I'm anticipating things to get cooking around mid to end of June, so I wanted to know of at least a few people who might be interested when the eggs start rolling in. We're looking forward to a colorful assortment of brown and blue-green eggs, that are going to taste better than anything you've bought in a store.

I'm even willing to DELIVER eggs to your door. That's right, full on customer service with smile, by yours truly.

So take a look on the newly minted Facebook Page, see if you're interested, & let me know! In return, I'll keep you in the loop as things start to get real interesting in the next month or so!

-Ashley

{ The Final 8 }

Well, the amount of poultry wondering around our house has fluctuated from 6, to 32, to 12, and finally down to 8, where I think we'll keep it a while. This week we dropped off the last three at a friend's farm including this lady below. She got two of the Silver Laced Wyandottes, and one of the Buff Brahmas. They are going to have more space than they know what to do with there, including horses, donkeys and another set of dogs. We'll miss them, but I think everyone is happier for the less crowded coop. 

 

So, here are the final 8 ladies remaining, complete with names for everyone! The three golden comets ( the three red girls) were the first to get names almost as soon as we got them, because we always knew they would be sticking around. Ginger, Sunshine, and Freckles as by far our sweetest chickens, and will be the biggest egg producers. I love having them around! 

This is Rosemary (Rosie). She's the only one of the Silver Laced Wyandottes that we kept.  Personally, I think this breed is a lovely one, and when she's full grown she'll have beautiful lacey-looking feathers. However, the three of them together, while the youngest, were the pushiest in the bunch and were picking fights with the older ladies, so I think the other two will be much happier at the top of their pecking order at the farm. 

This is Winifred ( Winnie). She's one of the Easter-eggers, and looks like she's going to be a lovely wheaton color. She's the shyest of the bunch, but is the easiest to pick up and work with. She's a total sweetheart. I'm very eager to see what color her eggs are going to be!  

This is Becky. Her Easter-egger beard/ear tufts crack me up every time I look at her. She's turning out to be quite the runt of the bunch, and quite the spaz, but she's definitely a lovely bird, and doesn't mind being at the bottom of the pecking order. She patiently waits for food, and prefers to snuggle up to the big girls at night. 

Chipmunk has always been one of my spunkier chickens, and is one of the Buff Brahmas that I kept. She's curious, outgoing, and little naughty. You have to keep your eye on this one, or she'll get into something, or peck a ring off your finger! Still, she's pretty cuddly, and will do anything for a treat. 

 Last but not least is miss Bryony. She's  the other Buff Brahma that is going to be sticking around. She's blonder than Chipmunk, but less outgoing. She's usually one of the girls quietly running things from the background, like the chicken godfather, if you will. 

{Find a Reason to Smile}

*Today's post is brought to you by the magic of Google Awesome, which, without my knowing, backs up my pictures from my phone and does silly things with them.

The last week or so has been, to be frank, BLAH. There's been a lot of stress and rotten news to go around, for both Jeff and I and people I know, and in dealing with it, I've been focusing on things that make me happy in my life, and bring a smile. 

Like these lovely ladies. They are goofy, moody, sweet, and entertaining to just sit and watch. They are always so happy to see me when I get home in the evening, that I don't even mind cleaning up after them! 

I know, I know. I'm a little obsessed, and everyone things this about their own, but my dogs are pretty darn awesome. Just when I think my day is going to be outright terrible, they pop up at my side and make me laugh and forget myself for a few minutes. 

This Guy. This guy puts up with my impulses, harebrained ideas, and high maintenance temper. I am sincerely lost without this guy.

Oh, to have a space to sit and be. We finally got the Adirondack chairs put together and stained, a canopy for shade, and now, combining watching silly chickens with Jeff and the clown dog duo is now a breezy relaxing activity that I look forward to. 

I'm certainly glad and grateful for the simple things in life that make me smile even on days when I feel less than happy.

{ Chicken Update }

The goal for this year was to work towards a larger idea of self-sufficiency, and a more immediate desire to spend more time outside doing and enjoying this summer.

So far. So good.

The chickens are pretty low maintenance, especially compared to the dogs. They do however seem to REALLY enjoy when I get home in the evenings, as they all come rushing out of the coop, or whatever object they were pecking out, and are eager to get out the run to explore the yard. That includes Cooper and Kate, who they seem to have no fears of.  I'd like to think that I worked really hard with the two pups while we were brooding the chicks to help them understand that the chickens are not like the other birds outside and are not to be chased or eaten - and to my surprise, they do really well with them! At best, they show a total disinterest, and at worst, they nose them around, and get their feelings hurt when the chickens come right up to their snouts and peck at them.

This is not to say I trust them alone together, because I don't. I know both my dogs well enough that given the right trigger, they both have excellent prey drives and that a flighty chicken may quickly become a dead one.  So, direct supervision only - and the tiny suburban backyard farm continues to go smoothly!